Effective Way to Deal with Emotional Unfaithfulness

An emotional affair can be defined as "A relationship between a person and someone other than (their) spouse (or lover) that has an impact on the level of intimacy, emotional distance and overall dynamic balance in the marriage. The role of an affair is to create emotional distance in the marriage." 

In this view, neither sexual intercourse nor physical affection is necessary to impact the committed relationship(s) of those involved in the affair. It is theorized that an emotional affair can injure a committed relationship more than a one night stand or other casual sexual encounters due to the deception involved, and the fact that the significant other having the affair is allowing themselves to become emotionally attached to a person outside the relationship, often infatuated or even outright obsessed, dedicating physical and emotional energy into said person instead of the into the person they are in a committed relationship with. The emotional weight of an emotional affair is but one of many reasons that marriage experts, and relationship experts, as well as those who have been on one - or both - sides of an emotional affair, consider it a form of cheating.

 

One of the most hurtful things a spouse can discover is that their spouse is being emotionally unfaithful.

 

It is deeply demoralizing to learn that your spouse is emotionally attached to someone else. And although he or she might not have been physically unfaithful, emotional infidelity hurts.

 

Some spouses who have been victims of adultery have said that sexual infidelity is tolerable to some extent, but that emotional infidelity is much more painful.

 
Here are some possible signs that your spouse might be wandering into emotional infidelity:

• They show lack of interest in family events
• Working longer hours
• Excessive use of Internet and email leaving no history
• Carry their phone everywhere and talk in a low tone
• Abruptly ending a call or close or minimize an open computer page when you walk in on them
• They begin taking better care of themselves
• Change their wardrobe
• They always seem to be deep in thought, forgetful and absent minded
• Increased spending without an explanation
• Looking bored with life in general
• Taking up new hobbies that do not involve you
• When caught lying, they are defensive and angry
• Start to treat you extremely nicely (for no “good” reason)

What are some ways to deal with emotional infidelity?
 

Well, let’s first talk about some ways that aren’t effective when dealing with emotional infidelity; to begin with, emotional outbursts, or setting out to “win back” the emotionally unfaithful partner won't help.  Other things that won’t help you in dealing with emotional infidelity are, begging, flattering, making promises, sending flowers or gifts, and trying to be more social and outgoing. Surprisingly, these tend to fuel emotional infidelity even more because they usually push the emotionally unfaithfuly partner away.

 

When it comes to emotional infidelity, cheating partners react in various ways when caught. So here are a couple of reactions that you can expect:

 

The initial reaction might be panic and confusion because they didn’t expect to be caught. Later on they might either feel embarrassed or ashamed of their actions, or act indignant and defensive.  They might also shift blame and say “I did this because of you” or “to get back at you.”  With time, it’s likely that they will feel remorseful when it becomes obvious to them how much pain they’ve caused you.

 
So what is an effective way to deal with emotional infidelity?
 

Backing off:  If you really want to continue the relationship and give the emotionally unfaithful partner a chance, then simply backing off is the tactic that will get you out of this predicament.  It will give you a better chance of saving your relationship because it allows time for your partner to clear their head while giving an opportunity for the healing process to begin.

However, backing off doesn’t mean giving up and having nothing to do with your spouse. Maintain quality interaction, and confront your partner with the reality of their decisions – share the potential consequences that their emotional infidelity might have on your relationship. Don’t just be an idle spectator. But realize that the only person in the relationship you really have “control” over is yourself – and not them.

So use this time to develop better self knowledge, self confidence and to strengthen the foundation of your life so you are better able to endure the storms of emotional infidelity and other relationship challenges. And remember, although it might sound counter-intuitive, backing off will enhance your chances of not only surviving emotional infidelity but of also saving your relationship.

Try to remain calm.  Although being the “victim” of emotional infidelity hurts like crazy, try to remain as calm as possible. And although you will probably be curious about the “other” person they are involved with, refrain from asking questions.  Though it is not easy, it is extremely important for you to practice patience and self control.

 

Don't be needy.  Instead of being needy, practice being confident in yourself. Don’t demand a loyalty pledge or anything of the sort. Just do all you can to avoid being a pain in the neck no matter how much they "deserve" it!  Shift your mindset and choose to look at emotional infidelity as a golden opportunity for you to grow and mature; you never know, you might even impress your spouse in the process.

 

Don't nag about it.  Learning how to say the right thing and do the right thing, at the right place and at the right time, will help you deal with emotional infidelity.  Remember, your partner needs breathing room and quiet moments to think back and reflect on their behavior.  This has a sobering effect. It gives them the opportunity to realize that the love “euphoria” that they’re feeling is only temporary.

 

Don't obsess about it.  Believe it or not, the emotional euphoria that your partner might be experiencing will soon fade. So control yourself and let it complete its course.  It will also give them a chance to truly decide whether this is what he or she really wants (after the “emotional rush” wears off, most people decide that it isn’t what they want after all).  It will finally dawn upon the emotionally unfaithful spouse that this current way of life is not sustainable. What usually happens is that he or she begins experiencing feelings of emptiness, and will have a renewed desire to live in the “real” world.

 
This is the pathway through emotional infidelity.